F#@$ing Tell Them Already (& Happy Thanksgiving!!!)

Tis’ the season to express thanks, but I’ve got two major pet peeves with how we show gratitude…and a super crazy radical alternative for Thanksgiving!

Pet Peeve #1 – Gratitude Journals

Gratitude journals are all the rage among the new agey jet set – writing down all of the things for which we are (or should be) grateful in order to boost our happiness.  The intention behind gratitude journals is well meaning. When you are feeling out of sorts, depressed, frustrated, whatever, gratitude journals are put forth as a nifty solution to cure your ungrateful soul. Really, the problem is simply that you don’t count your blessings, or is it?

Sure, that might be the case that we often don’t look around and take stock of how lucky we are. However, when we list the things we are grateful for – having a roof over our heads, having a boyfriend/girlfriend, a job that pays the bills (maybe even a job we love), our reputations, the community we live in, etc etc – those things are typically extrinsic. And they are out of our control. And they are impermanent.

Jobs can be lost. Houses destroyed. People leave or die. Sounds depressing, si? Yet, this is life and holding on with gratitude to these things does not necessarily make us any happier. Making lists simply does not change the way we feel on a daily basis (but if it does actually for you, then keep on doing it!).

Keep reading…I promise it will get better.

Pet Peeve #2 – Posthumous Outpouring of Gratitude

I have seen a number of high profile athletes in extreme sports die doing what they loved (like BASE jumper Dean Potter or professional ski mountaineer Liz Daley) or die too young from something else (like the well loved Bela Vadasz, owner of Alpine Skills International, who died far to young of a heart attack).  They are well known and well loved and leave a gap in lives that extend beyond their inner circles.

Social media blows up with well meaning RIPs and well wishes to those left behind. Tribute articles, memorial videos, blog posts, and Facebook posts pop up about how wonderful the person was who has passed, how much that person impacted their lives, and how they wished they could have told them in person.

Seeing the posthumous explosion actually makes me boil over with anger. Writing tributes and making memorial videos does not make them or us any happier.  The person who is gone will never know all of these wonderful things that were said about them.

Honoring the dead IS important – it helps us process our grief and shows respect to the survivors.

However, it’s far more important to honor the living – THAT spreads happiness. One of the only posthumous blog posts I’ve ever really appreciated is one in Adventure Journal – a friend left behind talks about how his behavior has changed to honor the living as a result of his loss.

One Alternative – A New Thanksgiving (or Daily!) Ritual

Try this at your Thanksgiving meal tomorrow. Focus on one person at the table as the receiver of gratitude. Go around and one by one each person tells the gratitude received what they appreciate about them. Each person will have a chance to tell everyone what they appreciate, as well as be appreciated.

Sounds kind of scary, doesn’t it? So wild that telling others what we appreciate is such a personal act of vulnerability. But consider the impact it can have on that loved one…to know what you like about them and how they have impacted you.

Now ponder the opposite…the regret you feel when someone dies, when kind and loving things are left unsaid or you remember the last interaction you had with them was a fight or an unkind word – it is actually far more difficult and painful than being vulnerable with them.

I would pick vulnerability over regret any day, as difficult as it might seem in the moment.  Regret is a real bitch and it can haunt you.

So radical yet so basic. Tell your loved ones and friends why you love them. Don’t wait. Do it on Thanksgiving. Do it now. Do it the next day. Keep doing it.

So put those lists away and start honoring the living. Loving and being loved is the true key to happiness.

SIX SIMPLE SECRETS OF HAPPINESS – Observations of a Wilderness Guide

Adventure travel is a fantastic way to see the world, get in on the ground floor to interact with locals, shake up your preconceived notions of what was possible, and bond with your travel partners. It’s also a fantastic study in human behavior, and I now feel that I can pick out a generally happy person within minutes of meeting them simply by seeing what they comment on when we first meet. Watching how they interact with others, how they approach obstacles, and how they treat themselves provides inside into the secrets of happy people.

1. Be Kind to Others
Those who are kind to others are the happiest by far. Their genuine concern often outweighs their own concern for themselves. You will find that others really react differently and will go out of their way to help someone who is warm and kind. Sometimes our culture idolizes strength and dominance, but most people don’t like to be on the receiving end of dominance.

Imagine you meet a stranger who immediately barks an order at you. You bristle because they seem to have a sense of entitlement that you should help them and they seem to believe they are so superior that they have the right to ask for help without any consideration for your feelings.

Now imagine you meet a stranger who says “Hey there, sorry to trouble you, but would you be able to help me with xyz?” They immediately give several impressions – 1) that they don’t assume it’s your job (even though sometimes it might be), 2) that you are gracious, and 3) you leave them some room to say they don’t know or to direct you to someone else. My experience around the world in many different cultures, is that this approach is far more effective to get things done, make friends, and garner support. You don’t ALWAYS have to be standing up for yourself, at least not until you have a REAL problem.

Learn your porters names!  They are people, too.

Learn your porters names! They are people, too.

I make a real effort to learn the names of everyone that works for me on my international trips, even when we have 10 porters with challenging local names, as well as key words and phrases in their native tongue to express appreciation. Small gestures, but I think some of these folks are not used to kindness from foreigners, so it can go a looooong way.

2. Be Grateful for What You Have
The more I travel, the more I’m convinced that wealth has a real dark side. In some of the poorest countries and regions, I have seen families that were all smiles and giggles when together, porters carrying heavy loads that were willing to bust into dance with me without an iota of self-consciousness, and young children playing with soda bottle caps with great delight.

Happiness is a state of mind, not a state of material accumulation.

Wealth, and the pursuit of wealth, seems to breed an unhealthy desire for perfect…whether in the structure of our lives, our partners, our clothes, even our food. Even though something may be so darn good already, there is always room for improvement, right? Just 5lbs less. Just a nicer car. Just a better apartment. Then I will be happy.

I have seen many clients ask for lots of customization with their meals in developing countries to make their culinary experience perfect (despite my warnings – generally these kinds of requests can be confusing and well meaning staff will get it wrong). When that meal wasn’t prepared exactly as they expected, they will often proclaim, “Oh! If ONLY it didn’t have the xyz ingredient, THEN it would have been perfect.” And they can be greatly unhappy with imperfection of a single meal and that unhappiness amazingly can seem to last for hours!

International trips are very perspective resetting.  When I return home, I always have renewed gratitude for a comfortable bed to sleep in, a safe environment, consistent electricity, and faucet water that I can drink and bathe in without a care.  We are very fortunate here in America.

3. Respect other Cultures
Other cultures are around us every day, you don’t have to cross any major seas to experience them. There are different ethnic groups, religious groups, differences across regions and even cities, and even gender can be considered a culture in my opinion. There are MANY different ways to react, to process, to address people and situations based on your cultural reference point. It can be quite jarring to barrel into a situation with your own perspective and no consideration for another’s.

In Tanzania and Nepal, it’s considered shocking for both men and women to show skin, many clients will ask again and again if it’s REALLY not OK to wear tank tops and shorts because they REALLY want to wear them. I feel as if I’m an overly strict parent by insisting that we respect the local cultures when I turn them down repeatedly. They are still adults and can do what they want, but I will not give my blessing. Why should we show up in someone else’s home and do things that are considered offensive?

Hanging with a family deep in the Makalu Barun region of Nepal

Hanging with a family deep in the Makalu Barun region of Nepal

Tread lightly, ask questions, try to understand, and where you cannot understand, try to respect…you might just learn something and others will react more positively to you. At the very least, you will not leave a trail of shock and dismay for your behavior.

4. Take Care of Yourself
Marytrism is a bad deal for you and everyone else around you. If you don’t take care of yourself, you become tired, cranky, overworked and generally unpleasant to be around. This is one of my greatest challenge areas that I’m working on. Even the simple act of doing a 10 minute meditation before starting my day on Kilimanjaro helped me feel far more focused and present. I have a great morning mediation from my coach, Gregg Swanson, which asks you to focus on ONE thing you want to accomplish that day. If we just accomplish one important thing each day, it’s amazing how far you can get.

When I was on Kili, every day I focused on being present and being kind to my clients. Sound weird that I’m talking about taking care of myself by focusing on my clients? It can actually be quite challenging on such a physically demanding peak to take care of yourself and be physically and mentally available to your clients. Their anxiety can be high and both the best and worst can come out of people on trips where they are far out of their comfort zone. In order to take care of them, I set aside time each morning alone in my tent to gather and focus my energy on them.

Working on my Zen on Kilimanjaro

Working on my Zen on Kilimanjaro

I give a big lecture at the beginning of each trip about how are are all a team now and have to support each other to meet our desired objective, but that a team is comprised of individuals who each need to take care of themselves to first in order to contribute to the team. Despite this, many and especially women, have great difficulty stopping a group to take care of something personal. Once such woman, after hiking down a very rugged section after the Lava Tower on Kili said, “I’m really hot and need to take off my jacket.” I said, “OK, let’s do it now before you overheat.” She protested, we hiked for 20 paces, and then she complained again of being hot. This time her tentmate said, “So why don’t we stop and take care of it?” She protested again, we hiked another 20 paces when she said something once more. This time I stopped and said, “OK, we need to address this now. Everyone take a break here.” Her response flabbergasted me – “Ha! I knew if I said something a third time, you would be willing to stop.” Far less drama and internal dialogue would have been necessary if she had simply stopped on her own. You don’t need to ask permission three times and receive a satisfactory answer in order to take care of yourself.

For more about putting your own oxygen mask on first…”Serious Self-Care.”

5. Avoid Blaming Others
It’s so easy to find fault in others or a situation if you are looking for it. Always having your negative radar on can be a major obstacle to happiness. This was very evident on one trip to Italy. Several of the clients had not read their materials nor heeded my advice to add stairs and stepmill machine to their training to prepare for their trip. I told each one over the phone that previous clients had said there were more stairs than they had expected (hence my recommendation to add stair workouts to their training). Once we were on the trip, several expressed concern about hiking along sea cliffs, the amount of stairs, and the warm weather. They were disappointed that I had not properly warned them.

We had numerous discussions about how the materials should be changed to properly warn people (although I was certain the materials did a good job, the customer is always right so I entertained all of their suggestions.) After the trip, I did a thorough review of the materials. Sure enough, there are descriptions of hiking up and down rugged trails, sea cliffs, numerous stone stairs and stair switchbacks, and suggestions to be prepared for hiking for 4-6 hours in hot weather. It’s easy to find fault when you are looking for it, whether or not it is there.

Instead, they probably would have had a much better time if they said, “Wow! Look at these glorious blue skies and sunshine we have and are blessed not to have any rain. And what a great workout hiking along dramatic sea cliffs so that I won’t feel guilty about my espresso, gelato, wine, and elaborate multi-course dinners.” Same experience with a different perspective can make all the difference in your happiness.

Hiking along sea cliffs

Hiking along sea cliffs

Beautiful village of Vernazza

Beautiful village of Vernazza

At the same time, you can’t be too hard on yourself. So what if you missed something or forgot something important…usually the only thing that’s the end of the world is death (and maybe a lost passport)! Things can be replaced or borrowed, schedule mishaps can be fixed, hikes can be cut short, meals can be reordered, miscommunications with friends can be repaired. So don’t blame others for your mistakes, but don’t blame yourself either. Just recognize the mistake, try to fix it, learn from it, and move on. You, and everyone around you, will have a much better time as a result!

6. Anxiety is Not Your Friend
Bad things happen whether you send countless hours worrying about them or not (and so do good things!!!). If you are afraid of flying, the plane probably isn’t going to crash and you may have spent 5 hours in agony worrying about it. And if you are worried that not worrying about a crash could actually cause a crash, let me assure you that your thoughts have little impact on the successful or unsuccessful outcome of a flight!

I have seen a lot of anxiety on the trips I have led around the world. Typically, what happens on a trip happens regardless of any one person’s worries. And often, when bad things happen, they are not so bad and are truly unexpected. It’s one of the great lessons that adventure travel teaches you – you can never be completely attached to an outcome, and you have to be mentally prepared for many obstacles along the way. This makes it all that much sweeter when you achieve your goal!

Being mentally prepared for obstacles and worrying about obstacles are miles apart. Being mentally prepared involves strength, flexibility, and a presence of mind to remain calm and think about options to solve an issue, as well as the awareness and acceptance that not all problems are solvable. Anxiety is a focus of energy on the thing you are most worried about happening, and in the end it often results in not being mentally prepared for any host of other things that many happen – your mind is far from a state of calm and focus.

Sunrise over Kilimanjaro from Mt Meru

Sunrise over Kilimanjaro from Mt Meru

Another story from Kili involves a woman who was incredibly fit and physically prepared for the trip, yet her anxiety level was off the hook. Her mind kept going straight to the summit, all the things that could go wrong along the way, and what she would have to say to people back home if she didn’t make it. Each night we did breathing exercises and a pep talk about how the only thing she had to worry about was putting one step in front of another each day. In contrast, another client was far less physically fit and was really challenged by the hiking each day. But she had no expectations about summitting, enjoyed the experience, and never stopped smiling. Every step and every day was a great gift.

In the end, they both summitted, but who do you think had a better time?  This is how I prefer to approach a big peak…If you can’t have fun and be kind along the way, it truly may not be worth it.  🙂